when they all fall
like a million raindrops
falling from a blue sky
kissing your cares goodbye
they all fall
like a million pieces
a ticker tape parade high
and now you're free to fly
--newsboys.
archive
tunes
+god of wine - third eye blind
+understanding in a car crash
- thursday
+in years to come - thrice
+no me ames
- jennifer lopez/marc anthony
+take me away - lifehouse
+sleeping weather
- small brown bike
+sing for the moment - eminem
+thank you - the katinas
+gossip folks - missy elliot
+landslide - dixie chicks
+miss you - aaliyah
+better than this
- onelinedrawing
+swiss army romance
- dashboard confessional
+letter to myself - furthermore
+Wanksta - 50 cent
+what it is to burn - finch
+ghost man on third
- taking back sunday
+satisfaction - eve
+pride war
- further seems forever
+joe's sick - slick shoes
+without you - LaRue
+this bitter pill
- dashboard confessional
-- Stay silent about your inner conflicts, and you'll end up speaking them alone. So speak up. --
Saturday, February 1
The quote on top says, "stay silent about your inner thoughts, and you'll end up speaking them alone. So speak up." I would like to say I sure haven't been doing that. This is how I feel... I am so frustrated right now. I don't know even what about. Well I do, but its so much all together. I feel like a slob, I feel like I am getting nowhere in life right now, I feel that I hate the world too much, and oh I do, I don't know why I let people get to me. It's like I can see right through them, see how they try so hard to be accepted by their peers. I guess we all try somewhat to be accepted by those around us, but still. THEY MAKE ME MAD. and they shouldn't. I shoudn't care, if there are so many fake people in this world, so many sell-outs, backstabbers, punk ass kids. It's like I just want to scream. I HATE ENGLISH. Yes, I was gone to Mexico for a week, and yes I never went to English all this week and yes that would make it TWO weeks I haven't gone, but no one understands. I honestly truely dislike it. That class has been the sole reason why I dread coming to school. I don't understand why everyone must take Eng101. I mean, if we are in university, that would mean we took english 30, so then how, I don't understand should it be a requirement to take eng101? We just do the same thing! Analyse some poems, short stories, shakespeare. write the essays, do the tests, learn some grammer. But it's not just the course content that I am not connecting with, it's the teacher, the class itself, the time the class is. just everything. Who knew one could get depressed over a class. I am frustrated because I completely lost it at work yesterday in front of the restaurant, and coworkers. And now all self-confidence in me at doing my job is gone. I feel like a failure. I couldn't even handle a table of 15 not so very nice ladies. Yes, the circumstances do make for a level of high stress, but it's my job, I am SUPPOSED to be able to handle it. I am SUPPOSED to be able to suck it up and move on. But no, I couldn't. I let them get to me, I lost all control and just showed the customers, management, and staff that I can't handle my own job. Yes, the one where I got promoted to. I'm going to fire myself. And I still don't understand. I worked soooo hard to get where I am only to suck at it, and not even get all that much money. While my best friend on the otherhand is doing the same thing and making so much and all she had to do was go out and apply. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. That is something really insignificant, but since right now I am allowed to be upset - it upsets me. And you know what? I don't get it. I really don't. SO if anyone out there has any answers, do tell. I think I'm not that bad of a person, I think I have a great personality, I think I have a lot to give, I can be funny, sincere, serious, and playful. THEN WHY THE HELL DOESN'T ANYONE ELSE AGREE? anyone else as in the opposite sex. No, I'm not searching for a boyfriend, but hey, if one was available, not like I'm going to say no. Oh, and you know what? Since the stress of school and life has increased dramatically, the headaches have also charged forward. The concept of stress SUCKS. same with frustration, and pain. Why was Pandora so stupid and curious that she had to open her box and let all the badness out. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
I'm really trying to not gripe so much about life, because I have been way worse many times before and in reality I'm doing okay. But then again since when is one never having the upsetting thoughts and negative feelings? It's a rare chance to catch someone when everything in their mind is all good....a VERY rare chance.
I wish I could fly, so I couldn't take the wretched bus; I wish I could sing, so then I could have something to be proud of; I wish I won the lottery so then I wouldn't have to pay for my own tuition; I wish I had a boyfriend, so I could feel more confident in myself; I wish I was the female Michael La, so that people would know I wasn't a failure; and I wish I wasn't taking English...because it makes me unhappy. And I would rather be happy. elaine 1:16 AM
